How to Support a Griever 101
You cannot fix it, and you are not supposed to.
In short
You cannot fix it, and you are not supposed to. Support that works is specific, repeated, and unafraid of the person's pain. The failures are rarely malice. They are awkwardness: silence because I didn't know what to say, and let me know if you need anything, which sounds kind and asks a drowning person to plan your help.
What helps
Specific beats open ended. Not anything you need but I'm at the store, what am I bringing you? and Thursday I take the kids.
Presence beats wisdom. There is no perfect thing to say, and sitting there is the thing.
Their name is not a wound. Say it; the silence around a person's name aches more than the sound of it.
Later beats early. Casseroles arrive in week one; the loneliness arrives in month three. Put a note in your calendar and be the one who shows up when everyone else has resumed.
Retire these
Everything happens for a reason. They're in a better place, unless their faith says it first.
Every sentence that begins with at least. You're so strong, which quietly forbids weakness.
I know how you feel. Anything with a deadline in it.
Say these instead
I don't have words, and I'm here. Tell me about her, if you feel like it.
Dinner is on your porch Thursday either way.
And months later: I know his birthday is Tuesday. Want company?
Mind your own tank
Supporting someone through loss costs something real. Care that lasts a year beats intensity that lasts a week. Pace yourself.
Related
- Twelve things to say
- Showing up months later
Every situation is different from the last.
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