Beyond the five stages, what modern grief science says about how we adapt

The model that stuck

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The five stages of grief, introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, may be the most widely known psychological framework in popular culture. It’s referenced in movies, self-help books, workplace trainings, and casual conversations about loss.

What most people don’t know is that Kübler-Ross’s model was originally developed to describe the experience of terminally ill patients facing their own deaths, not the grief of those they left behind. Kübler-Ross herself acknowledged later in her career that the stages were never intended as a linear progression that every grieving person moves through in order. They were meant as a framework for understanding common emotional responses, not a prescription for how grief should unfold.

Despite this, the five stages became the dominant cultural narrative of grief, creating a set of expectations that many bereaved people find more harmful than helpful. When your grief doesn’t fit the model, when you skip stages, cycle back, or experience something the model doesn’t account for, you’re left wondering if you’re doing it wrong.

The Dual Process Model: how grief actually works

The most widely supported model of grief in contemporary research is the Dual Process Model (DPM), developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999. Rather than a series of stages, the DPM describes grief as an oscillation between two types of coping.

• Loss-oriented coping This is what most people think of as “grieving.” It includes processing the emotional pain of the loss, remembering your person, crying, yearning, and working through the meaning of what happened. It’s the internal, emotional dimension of grief
• Restoration-oriented coping This is the part that’s often invisible. It includes attending to the practical changes that follow a death: financial adjustments, new roles and identities, learning new skills, building a new daily routine, and developing a life without the physical presence of the person who died
• Healthy grief involves moving back and forth between these two orientations. Some days you’re deep in the emotional work. Other days you’re handling logistics, dealing with paperwork, and focusing on practical matters. Both are grief. Both are necessary
• Problems arise when someone gets stuck in one orientation. Exclusively loss-oriented coping can lead to rumination and complicated grief. Exclusively restoration-oriented coping (the “keep busy” strategy) can lead to delayed grief that surfaces unexpectedly months or years later

Continuing bonds: the relationship doesn’t end

Traditional grief theory held that the goal of grieving was to “let go” of the person who died and move on. Modern research has thoroughly overturned this idea. Continuing Bonds theory, developed by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, demonstrates that maintaining an ongoing emotional connection with the person who died is not only normal but healthy.

Bereaved individuals continue to talk to their loved ones, feel their presence, ask for their guidance, and incorporate their values into their own lives. This isn’t denial, it’s a healthy psychological adaptation. The relationship transforms from a relationship with a living person to a relationship with a memory, a legacy, and an enduring influence.

Types of grief many people don’t know about

Grief is far more varied than popular culture acknowledges. Understanding the different forms grief can take helps normalize experiences that might otherwise feel confusing or shameful.

• Anticipatory grief Grief that begins before the death, often during a terminal illness. Family members may grieve the loss of the person as they knew them, the loss of a shared future, and the gradual physical decline, all while the person is still alive. This grief is real and valid, and it does not reduce the grief felt after the death occurs
• Disenfranchised grief Grief that society doesn’t acknowledge or validate. This includes grief over miscarriage, the death of an ex-spouse, the death of a pet, the loss of a same-sex partner in an unaccepting community, or the death of someone with whom you had a complicated relationship. The lack of social recognition doesn’t make the grief any less real
• Prolonged Grief Disorder In 2022 the DSM-5-TR added this as a formal diagnosis. Clinicians had long used the related term complicated grief to describe a similar pattern, and the two overlap closely, though they are not identical. It is characterized by persistent, intense yearning, preoccupation with the person who died, difficulty accepting the death, and significant impairment in daily functioning that lasts beyond 12 months. The American Psychiatric Association estimates it affects roughly 7 to 10% of bereaved adults, and it responds well to targeted psychotherapy
• Collective grief Grief shared by a community or society in response to public tragedies, pandemics, or cultural losses. The COVID-19 pandemic introduced millions of people to collective grief for the first time, and its effects continue to shape how we understand communal bereavement
• Ambiguous loss Coined by Dr. Pauline Boss, this describes losses where the person is physically absent but psychologically present (a missing person, an estranged relationship) or physically present but psychologically absent (advanced dementia, traumatic brain injury). These losses lack the closure of death and can be profoundly disorienting

When to seek professional support

Most grief, even intense grief, is a normal human response that does not require professional intervention. But some signs indicate that professional support could be beneficial.

• Persistent inability to function in daily life beyond 6–12 months, missing work, unable to care for yourself or dependents, withdrawing from all relationships
• Suicidal thoughts or a desire to join the person who died, these should be taken seriously and addressed immediately (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988)
• Substance use that has increased significantly since the loss
• Intense guilt, self-blame, or anger that doesn’t diminish over time
• Complete inability to talk about or acknowledge the loss after several months
• Physical symptoms that don’t have a medical explanation and persist beyond the acute grief period

Your grief is yours

The most important lesson from modern grief science is that there is no right way to grieve. No timeline. No stages. No checklist of emotions you’re supposed to feel in the right order. Your grief will be shaped by your relationship with the person you lost, your personality, your support system, your culture, your prior experiences with loss, and a thousand other factors that are unique to you.

LumenUs’s Inner Light wellness tools are designed around this understanding. Rather than prescribing a grief timeline, they offer adaptive support that meets you where you are, journaling when you need reflection, breathing exercises when you need grounding, memory tools when you need connection, and practical guidance when you need direction. Your grief is yours. The support should be too.